Is anyone here gender fluid? Curious about the challenges

McD

My brother was (to my understanding) a cross dresser. He loved woman but was compelled to steal my sisters clothes, wear then and masterbate. He died in his 30’s from alcohol abuse. A short sad life. I believe in retrospect that he was also on the spectrum and showed turrets ticks and twitches.

He had a hard time with my father and my father once told him:

“You’re the kind of person that grows up to kill his whole family.”

At the time, I thought: “Don’t give him any ideas.” He was 5 years older than me and seemed to
hate me and my sister but it was probably just the spectrum issues making him seem distant and hostile.

At my wedding, a guest of the bride took me aside and asked: “Didn’t they get him any help?”
His affect was very similar to Boo Ridley at the end of “To Kill a Mockingbird”. I wish I had made that connection earlier before he was gone. He was a tortured soul and in many ways a good athlete, artist and craftsman. He played Water Polo and was a competitive swimmer so he appeared to be a man’s man physically with a powerful upper body from years of swimming laps in our pool.

After I had 2 female children I told my wife he should never meet them because I suspected he might be a child abuser without any evidence to support that fear. Just memories of exposing himself at my sisters slumber party when she was in high school. His sexual life was a total mystery to me and that event and the stolen underwear made he view him as a pervert and potentially dangerous. He had a flash point temper but never hurt anyone physically as I think back on his home life. Still, he scared me and I never trusted him.

The last time I saw him before he died he asked if I knew any women that would make a good roommate for him. I suspect he was just terribly lonely and that was a cry for help.

If I knew then when I know now I would have been more compassionate and been there when he started down the path to depression. A year of two before the liver damage took his life he stood on his bathroom toilet and fell forward impelling himself on a towel rod. He laid on the floor for 2 days until his landlord found him. He was lucky he didn’t bleed out. The resulting scar looked like
a massive 2nd belly button.

My sister said she saw him in drag at the mall a few times and his look was less than convincing as a woman. The current frenzy to deny people with this sexual orientation only serves to make me more guilty that I never really knew him. His life was wasted by such ignorance about gender fluidity (if that is indeed the correct way to view his life. Someone who knows should educate me if at all possible. I need to understand more.