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Anybody heard any good jokes?
Has anyone heard any good jokes lately?
Preferably something I can repeat in mixed company.
Comments
Yes.
Lay it on me.
It’s a classic joke about aging and you’re too young for it to apply… but it’s Father’s Day which my kids like to call
Fat Head Day.
Classic Dad Jokes/Puns (i.e. groaners) from my AI buddy:
Slightly more elaborate (but still punny):
I asked AI for some non-groaners.
Observational/Relatable:
* "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."
* "My computer crashed. I think it caught a virus from all the 'free' software I downloaded."
* "I’ve been on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
* "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."
* "I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I once ordered a pizza and they delivered it in 30 minutes, and I was mad because I had to get up for it."
Witty One-Liners:
* "I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."
* "I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
* "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
* "Never trust atoms; they make up everything."
* "I told my wife she was having a bad hair day. She said, 'I'm not having a bad hair day, I'm having a bad life!'"
Slightly Absurd/Playful:
* "Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts."
* "What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory."
* "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed."
Humor is really personal, but these types of jokes tend to land well because they're either clever wordplay that doesn't rely on a pun, or they hit on a shared human experience in a funny way.
@mcd Great stuff. I’ve heard a lot of these before, but couldn’t think of any offhand. We have our weekly Zoom chat with Olivia tonight. I’m going to try a few of these. I like the thesaurus joke. She might not get it at first, but I love seeing her face when she suddenly gets it. “Oh now I get it!”.
Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "Mr. President, if a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it probably wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss..."
what's gordon ramsey's favourite film?
it's fucking frozen.
A hole has been found in the the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine. His goal: Transcend dental medication.
My wife yelled to me from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing pins in it?"
I replied... "No."
She responded... "How about now?"