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Challenging behaviour and how to deal with it.
Every now and then we acquire a new member where it becomes apparent that they have some social interaction difficulties. They may say inflamatory things, or be too quick to take offense, or not be able to let go of a view or position that is plainly untenable. Whether this is because of a mental condition or a cultural difference, the way to deal with it is to disengage when things start to escalate. Just stop responding to the posts that show they’re losing the plot. Nobody can maintain an argument in the face of deafening silence. Everyone is entitled to express their opinion, just as it’s ok to disagree, but if you realise that a person is not going to consider alternative points of view, then there’s no point in responding. Just respond to posts where they’re being reasonable. If that’s too hard, then there’s always the ignore feature, but simply not replying ought to do the trick if we all take the same approach.
Comments
I have seldom read anything quite so arrogant and condescending on this forum.
I look forward to your constructive input.
Already off to a good start.
Obviously not the reaction I was hoping to elicit, but I’m willing to listen to opinions.
I just thought it was a shame that we lost someone from the forum who might still be with us if they’d been handled differently and in a consistent manner.
Starting with @BiancaNeve , how do you think we should handle these situations and how should I have approached the subject to appear less arrogant and condescending?
+1
You willing to listen, as if you are moderator?
As for ‘handling’ people, you make a bad start worse. Why not just treat all with same respect, until/unless discussion turns to argument, then use ignore option?
Bro, Sis, um......we are here to talk about music, synths, drum samples, recording, production, iPads, and fun positive constructive topics related to the niche of music making.
As someone who has been through real shit in life, this thread is not relevant to me or music making.
true that.. compare that to gearpage , this forum comes across as PG ( ... & 13 for that occasional cussing
)
Listening is always good, moderator or not.
I assumed respect was a given. The rest was a suggested way to avoid the ignore feature if the discussion went south.
Fair enough folks. Forget I said anything...
Posting here for short time, watching for long time. Most people here for good discussion, help others. Some here for argument.
Hard to feel respect when someone does not like way other express themselves. Happened to me in other thread, result both ignore each other. No more problem.
There are a number of issues with the original post.
Firstly, it betrays a “we” and “them” mentality.”We”, I assume, means the group (of which the OP seems to award him/herself membership) who never get wound up, always behave perfectly, and from the moral high ground are in a position to hand down judgement on the unfortunate members of “them”.
Nothing is to be gained by this kind of binary, partisan thinking. It is divisive.
Let’s get real. Everyone has rough edges. Everyone has their boiling points, their sensitivities. I can be a member of “We” one moment, and then someone pushes my buttons, and I become one of “them”. We all can.
Instead, a stable, healthy community is able to embrace people where they are at, and police if necessary, deal with conflict in an open way, and only use stronger measures if needed.
Is it OK if I post a funny picture related to the thread content now?
😆
I think the original post was Created with good intentions.
@craftycurate I apologise if my post gave that impression. Full disclosure, I actually believe myself to be on the autistic spectrum and have experienced many times when my social skills have left much to be desired. This apparently being one of them. I do try hard to overcome my limitations, however. I simply recognised in another forum member the desire to help and contribute being severely hampered by their manner, something they didn’t seem to recognise. The outcome was not good for them or the forum, so I wanted to suggest a way of de-escalating those situations. I would assume that most of us, including myself, would at some point benefit from someone just disengaging when we lose the plot and post something ill considered. I can see this is not something that sits well with others, so we may as well stop here.
Yes please.
Where's funny picture?
The edit button, taking a walk and yoga are helpful for me.
This applies more on other forums, it’s not perfect here but there’s a lot less friendly communities available for music makers!
Not at all. I think your point was perfectly reasonable and I have trouble understanding why people are put out by it.
The discussion you referred to (I think) is something I deal with every day. Engineers often have strong opinions and are occasionally not as adept at reading social clues as they might be. Ignore if possible is usually the best strategy.
Forums and written communication in general is terrible for transmitting nuance so disengaging until a more personal line of communication can be established is the way to go.
Of course, I am also a major league asshole so ymmv.
For the OP’s position to make any sense, there must be a concrete definition of ‘reasonable’, and one that is aware of the interpretive nature of this complex concept. Without that, it makes no sense at all, since one person’s ‘reasonable’ is another’s irrationalism.
That’s the point really, I don’t think it was appropriate that you felt that the other forum members needed a lecture from you and that the best way for you to have approached the subject was entirely within your own mind.
Not sure if this is coming from something recent. But being a longtime member, I know sometimes things get heated.
In the past I just started ignoring whoever was debating whatever it was. Nowadays I tend to ignore the whole thread when this starts
Personally I'm a bit allergic to the 'my way or the highway' attitude of some posters without even taking note of the arguments as well as using formulations that state things as 'facts' when they are most of the time masked or personal opinions sometimes caused frustration and/or lack of better knowledge and understanding...
This is a good topic but it can get infectious!
Fair enough. I didn’t make it clear that it was supposed to be just a suggestion. Obviously many forum members already do this sort of thing unbidden, I was really trying to suggest consistent and coordinated behaviour to those few who don’t, as evidence suggests there are one or two...
Anyway, as merely a suggestion, since it doesn’t seem to be a popular one, there is not much point in me defending it.
Bing, bing, bing...
Bada bing. Tony Soprano. There was man with challenging behaviour, not to argue with.
@TheOriginalPaulB I don’t think your post was arrogant or condescending. I think it was well intentioned and meant to keep this forum as welcoming as possible. It is always good to reflect on how we interact with other forum members, myself included.
So look boys and girls that’s another how to start an useless megathread...
Try to avoid join them and you will be safe...
:facepalm:
As @UnoWoo might say @TheOriginalPaulB ..... stick neck out, get chopped off. Nothing wrong, IMO, with what you said, or with any of the responses. I can be a provocateur for various reasons. I don't think you meant to be, but I do think a forum member's behavior bothered you (and you leave me guessing who it is, tho only one suspect arises) and that this is about your personal way of responding.
I have written quite a few plays, one even won an award and some dough (pretentious and condescending)... as a would be dramatist these conversations are so predictable and that is what is... well, so boring (I am Spartacus!). Provocation... reaction.... put in place... feel disgrace..... taken aback... launch attack... or not. But the capper of human predictability is best expressed by Mel Brooks interruption of Prof. Liloleman in High Anxiety.... The prof says "Don't you think it is necca...." and Mel interrupts "Don't you tell me what is "Necca"! I'll tell you what is "Necca"! (Pronounced "nessa" of course). That is the genius of wit. Saying something in a brand new way... something that reaches the audience almost in code... but something we all understand on a deep level and gets our heads nodding in agreement. @Gravitas came closest to that in this thread... leaving us all waiting for a funny picture that never comes. That is witty on the surface and has a torpedo launched beneath.. for those who see it that way.
So what is my point? As Rumi said, "There is a field beyond right or wrong, I will meet you there." If the OP was wrong then the first respondent was wrong, too. I mean, if the first statement was patronizing and self righteous, so was the knee jerk response, IMO. On the other hand, if we all just said to the OP... "That's good, I agree, I agree, blow the conch! (ref Wm Golden, Lord of The Flies) things are really zombified. Gravitas presents the third alternative... throw it all out. And that is all she wrote.... again and again and again.
This forum is a cut above... even when it comes to cutting.