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Anyone else have ADHD (or neurodiverse in general?)
I am clinically diagnosed. I also pass multiple self-tests for Asperger's. I was just curious if anyone else here can relate. I know it's often used as a joke or in a moment of self-deprecation, but I am the real deal. I was hoping to find some iOS musicians who are similar in that respect.
I struggle with: organization, planning, remembering, fear of rejection...and so much more. But! I have a lot of genuine passion and curiosity. I can hyperfocus when I am really into something, which helps me make almost complete tracks in less than a few hours. However, then the ADHD-related issues stand in the way of completing work.
Okay, it's been my goal to be more honest, open, and vulnerable, so I can tick off that box for today. If you're out there, speak up. (And please don't turn this into a discussion on whether or not ADHD exists, we can have that in private if you'd like.)
Comments
Bipolar here.
I am part of this club on many levels.
I was so distressed by my brain, I ended up pursuing (and attaining) degrees in the industry of mental health and treatment.
I find the frustrations experienced due to my thought and emotional patterns(diagnosis)are far out weighed by the benefits and relief that music making provides me in a therapeutic sense.
I think sometimes overthinking things can add to it. OCD tendencies and such neurosis are often right there hovering with ADHD or BiPolar in my experiences. The danger is getting too overwhelmed with over preparation and organizing.
I think limits to the apps or hardware is a nice way to guide myself for maximum pleasurable music creation.
I can say hardware has been more beneficial than software due to the technical set up and rigid rules or configurations that can often lead to dismay and anxiety.
Just me though.
Yeah my lad has ADHD and Aspergers. Very challenging, but the key is finding a positive, creative focus for all that energy, otherwise it gets channeled into negativity and anxiety. His focus is art, but I’m sure music would be a great outlet for many others.
Wouldn’t surprise me if I was on the spectrum if I was diagnosed, and I certainly suffer with OCD.
We’ve all got our strengths and weaknesses though, and I firmly believe there are many positive benefits that come with conditions such as Aspergers. Find that focus.
@animalelder Thanks for stepping out and taking a risk. I'll follow suit:
I'm fairly sure, after researching it quite a bit, that I have adult ADHD in some form.
I often find the following things challenging:
And of course, forgetting what I was about to do when I decided to answer this post
But there are positives I like too:
I really must go and put the dinner on now. I've put myself back by 20 minutes by writing this
I just suffer head pain often - which leads to my brain not working well at times, well, less well than it used to.
Great thing about making music is that the process becomes more than just the brain logic behind it. Yep, I can’t always have enough energy to do much of anything, but the times when I am just suffering slow brain reactions, I can at least make some form of sound. In fact, I would say out of all my hobbies (and I have a few), fun music making is probably the easiest to cope with at times when my brain doesn’t want to play ball
Diagnosed with extensive testing. ADHD Aspie in tha house. The struggle is real
I'm too old to have been diagnosed on the autism back in the day.
My main issue is an inability to throttle down my mind from generating too many thoughts.
I'm also very "dumb" when it comes to innuendo and sarcasm. I tend to take words at their literal meaning.
Iv'e actually been laying at bed at night, remember something someone said to me many years earlier, and suddenly realize that it was an innuendo. Then I think to myself... "that's way they meant by that when they said that".
I also have issues with not being able to start a project unless I have it planned out first. But when it comes to troubleshooting electrical and mechanical systems I can do that on the fly very intuitively.
This manifests for me with music, in that I enjoy playing most, because my overactive mind likes being fully focused in a moment of improvisational creativeness. Playing music relaxes me because it throttles down my mind from the default mode of hyperactive thoughts.
My current "dilemma". Is I'd like create a youtube channel with the hope that it will inspire me to actually record music so I can post it on the channel.
But then my mind says... What email address should I use. What should I name the Channel. I have to learn how make videos with my iPad, but I'm still running iOS 12.4.4. I have to learn how to get videos off my iPad, onto my Mac, and then onto youtube. My mind then floods with zillions of questions I need to figure out just to start a simple youtube channel. I get mental fatigue, and the youtube channel never happens.
But a friend called be yesterday day asking me to find a section of state legal code relevant to a stalled home sale, and the attorneys were stymied. I'm not an attorney or a paralegal, but I have a talent for legal research. I found the citations they needed in two hours.
I can breeze through legal code, but I find trying to understand Mozaic script very confusing.
I think the reason is that legal code flows and branches in a linear way. Electrical and mechanical system can also be viewed linearly. But Mozaic script is not linear, it's bunch of blocks of code all executing according to an order of events. My mind is not good at dealing with things that can't be arranged, or envisioned, as events having a specific order.
Playing Music is very orderly.
Recording music is only easy for me if I can make it quick and easy before I loose interest.
I'm still trying to "stumble across" a workflow that would let me record quickly enough to keep my attention focused.
Both self tests I found online put me in the ‘probably’ camp for high functioning autism. It certainly explains a lot about my childhood...
I am not diagnosed, but recently realized that I very likely am suffering from depression and adult adhd. Thankfully I have the ability to hyperfocus on some things, but often at the expense of other (often more important) things.
It's probably time to make a new classification for adhd in adults. I never thought I had it due to the fact that I am not outwardly hyperactive.
I rarely have less than 200 tabs open at a time, which might be a little window into the way my brain works at any given moment.
Even when I was a child I had that thing where you walk into a room and wonder what it was you set out to do. Now that plays out in the digital realm in a million different ways. I now find myself with an empty tab, wondering what it was I was so eager to look up just moments before.. it's a very odd feeling. It's the reason I prefer hardware for the most part. Not because it sounds better, but largely because it imposes a set of limitations. Ableton tends to disable my brain from ever finishing things. read "Paradox of Choice" if this describes you and you want to learn more about this phenomenon.
Meditation has thus far been the best thing I've found to help with my particular blend of mental health problems.
Very brave of you... :-)
I have random social anxiety, it’s an odd one where I am ok when I’m talking but when I am passive (listening) after a short time I get dizzy and very self conscious.
It’s inconvenient to say the least :-(
I also must add that often people that say “just get on with it” are often ticking time bombs.
I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder last year after several people I know had mentioned they suspected that I may have had some form of Autism, so I self referred and passed through the NHS diagnosis process which took the best part of 18 months.
I also have a physical disability unrelated to my Autism, it is caused by a chronic illness that I have had since 18 but only suffered from more acutely in the last 6 years or so.
I have Diagnosed ADHD and I take medication and use other strategies to help , it has its pluses and frustrations! I am a licensed clinical social worker although right now I’m taking a break and doing live sound and music full time. I love that you mentioned neurodiversity in your title, that was the basis of a lot of my work.
I have most (if not all) of @craftycurate 's excellently 'curated' list of character traits.
Not sure what that means precisely, especially as I wouldn't want to compare these to people living with much greater challenges than those -- that I usually self-diagnose -- of a daydreaming, easily-distracted, procrastinating perfectionist auto-didact semi-creative.
One thing I am sure of - it's wonderful to have so much neuro-diversity represented here, and nice to take a break from music to talk to about it once in a while.
Well done for persevering with it 👍 If it had been me I’d have got bored after the 3rd bullet point ...
I like the term neuro-diverse, but I like the term UNIQUE even better. No-one has wiring quite like mine, or yours, or anyone’s.
Trying to get a handle on my own wiring (or anyone else’s) is a bit like trying to learn a new synth, exploring its depths and creative possibilities, and learn how to discover and enjoy its unique signature sound.
Every person has a ”signature sound”, a unique voice in the world, and although like a complex synth I scratch my head sometimes when seeking to fathom my own wiring, when something unique comes out I’m learning to celebrate it. Most days I feel a bit like miRack or Wotja - deep, complex, sometimes impenetrable, but capable of creating surprising and unexpected beauty.
I know we represent different faiths and beliefs here, but for me, the words that capture it best are in the Book of Psalms, which describe each person as “awe-inspiringly and wonderfully made.”
So, what is your ”signature sound“, not just musically, but more broadly? What is your unique contribution?
We all face limitations. Each of us should do what the OP is doing: stay curious and reach out to get help surmounting obstacles to our goals. Or do what I do... change goals and just keep moving: there is meaning in the journey that reveals itself in the experience of a life lived curiously.
TL;DR you get more energy from a question than any answer.
@animalelder Thank you for starting this thread. Conversations like these are significant in decreasing the stigma surrounding mental health.
Please, I ask kindly of all of you, if you have been "self-diagnosing" and think you may be experiencing one (or many) mental health issues, please, please, please talk to a professional.
There are plenty of character traits that manifest as symptoms or conditions of mental health disorder, but unless you talk to a professional, you may never really know. Worse yet, many individuals in similar circumstances put off getting help, even if they sense something might be askew, only to develop other, sometimes more significant, comorbid disorders later in life, particularly depression, that can have far more negative impacts on one's life than the original condition left untreated.
I've lost both family and friends to suicide and overdose who recognized that they were not quite functioning as "normally" (hate that word really and not trying to use it pejoratively) as they would like, only to realize that their condition, i.e. ADHD, anxiety, autism, bipolar, etc. was actually having unknown effects on their greater mental health.
I sincerely appreciate everyone's contribution here and urge you all again, please talk to someone if you think you may have similar issues.
Wow, I am surprised and happy to see all of you replying! I want to reply to every single person, but I also don't want to make this about me. What I will say is there is a book called Reweaving the Autistic Tapestry that talks about how ADHD and Autism are connected and likens it all to a tapestry that is weaved together and complex. No two are alike. Different "techniques" or circumstances create a slightly different tapestry. I like the label Unique.
https://www.worldcat.org/title/reweaving-the-autistic-tapestry-autism-aspergers-syndrome-and-adhd/oclc/923646476
(And it is available at libraries and digital libraries)
Thank you to everyone who replied, if anyone ever wants to talk about anything related, I am a special education teacher (high school level), so I have a lot of resources. Just PM me!
I forgot to mention one huge problem I always have:
I cannot stand watching video tutorials. I know they could be helpful, but it's physically uncomfortable to load a video and not be able to skim it the way I can skim an article. I feel like my progress has been hindered by my inability to sit through videos.
I have watched hour-long tutorials, but I can't tell you what I was doing during the thing and usually have not learned anything by the end.
If you make videos, use overlays that details what section you're currently on, maybe add an index in the beginning. It would mean the world.
I am positive that most of these neuro-diverse traits of ours have been an evolutionary advantage at some point in history. NORMAL is a lot less inclusive than it should be, in my opinion.
One thing that has kinda sucked regarding the whole bipolar thing, I already spend way too much impulsively when in a manic episode. I now have something to focus my spending on and there are so many apps. I have plenty that I have no real use for or multiples that have the same functionality.
Then the depression kicks in and I have no drive to create and I’m sad about the money I’ve wasted.
To add to this: a bit about me and a few things I wrote to a friend.
Firstly, neurodiversity is not an illness or disability. People on the spectrum invent fire and electricity. As for myself, I’ve got artwork in the Smithsonian.
Second, some random text:
“
O ho ho don’t get me started. (Too late). Just like there’s different color eyes, hair, skin.. there’s different colored brains. Just like there’s specialized individuals in an ant colony or beehive, there’s specialized people. That’s how superorganisms work.
In this chapter of the story, somebody thought it was a great idea to standardize everything which works great for mechanics but lousy for education. Some people don’t fit, and it’s the fault of whoever designed the slot and expected things to dovetail just fine.
But, let’s blame the individual anyway for not living up to someone else’s expectations, make them feel really bad about it and when they’ve finally been broken we will play our last card : You’re Depressed-! You do not fit here because you are mentally ill, this illness is not situational but is an inherent and chronic part of You. Now go bleed somewhere else.
My cousin, I’ve had enough of that shell game. So, for the umpteenmillionth time I checked in again... but this time I said “hey guess what I don’t have depression, but I am in fact feeling quite down. I’m different than everyone else, but feel pressure to be the same. I can’t ignore that this isn’t working anymore, and I can’t pin this wholly on myself either. I’m not crazy.”
From that, I discovered so much more about myself and what’s really going on.
I only say all this because in a way, someone needs to remind you that you’re fine. If you are so called mentally ill, it’s because they drove you to it. You’re fine, it’s them not you. You’re fine.
Hopefully the end of my story will have some relevance: I’m fucking autistic.
All this time, that’s why I was down. Because I really am different. I’m specialized. The normal rules don’t apply, and that’s fine because I don’t want them to anymore.
The reason I felt down was because i was made to. All because people fear what they can’t comprehend.
So, with all that, I’d like to put out the idea that maybe you’re not mentally ill at all. Maybe it’s better to think in terms of neurodiversity than so called mental illness.
Could be none of this applies to you though,I’m just sharing what I can for the sake of encouragement
“
“
My experience with the psychological method wound up being years of free associative talks about misery, with no clear direction and no addressing of the core of it all.
It wasn’t until I took a different approach and had a full battery of tests that showed hard data about my functioning and profile.
The tests were great: abstract, standardized, nothing to do with “my life”. Because enough stats have been collected for tests, averages exist.
Averages being nothing more than an abstraction, getting tested shows you where you’re really at in the big picture, much better than shooting in the dark ruminating over feelings about what that big picture has been doing to you.
The primary test is called The Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale. If you were to ask for that along with something to the effect of “I’d like a neuropsychological profile battery of tests please”, you’ll strip years of wondering and worrying from your future life. Research in neurodiversity is really taking off, culturally it’s shaping up to be the new “gender diversity”, now is the time when medical professionals have this hot new topic on the radar, so go for it-!
Plus-! You live in a country where “Breaking Bad” is a logical impossibility: You Have National Health Insurance. Right Now There’s a Scientist Waiting for You to Walk In, and He Wont Charge You a Dime. (rant over)
You’ll probably have one of the most empathetic, informative, valuable talks that day, you might even find the community that’s worth your time to volunteer.
Again, could be none of this applies, still I want to share my own experience. The 20th century mindset has done our heads in. It’s been much better for me to re-frame life in a way where I can accept and discover what and who I am instead of bearing some social stigma foisted upon me.
Ok this concludes today’s episode of oversharing. Ping me whenever; I’m around
“
Oh, absolutely. ADHD was most likely an advantage for hunter gatherers. In fact, there was a good TED talk that touched on that idea, among other things. It is a nice video
@Zetagy I think I can relate some. I was labeled depressed, anxious, and possibly bi-polar in the past. I finally realized that I only feel depressed due to not fitting in and to not living up to the typical standards. Executive functioning issues cause failures which causes internalized shame, which pours out in physical symptoms. Although I feel like we are in different countries as I do not have NHI.
But you did remind me about the difference between a pathological model of mental health and a neurodiverse model, which I did not mention before, but is the reason I prefer to use neurodiverse.
Funny...sounds like my background and doctors tried to treat me with various meds...probably bi-polar, definitely depressed etc...
neurodiversity (and any kind of diversity) is awesome, we need everyone. Great teams are made of people with different skill sets that compliment each other.
I realised at some point along the way that although everyone is unique, that our uniqueness is made up to two sets of traits:
I guess I want to be doing two things - developing the "good" unique traits and expressing them, but working on the not-so-good stuff to strengthen my personal foundations and become more resilient and spend more time doing what I'm meant to be doing.
I like your analysis.
Honestly.
Thanks ... I think it’s just another way of expressing the whole pathology vs neuro-diverse question raised earlier in the thread I.e, I want to avoid saying our personalities are all bad, or all good when I guess most of us are a mix of the two, and that’s OK to be that way as long as we’re learning and growing kinda thing 😊
I'm probably all of the above.
Meditation helps me a lot.
I'd like to give microdosing a try. I used to be able to focus so well when tripping.
ADHD here. My wife kept asking me to talk to my doctor about memory problems, and she recommended that I get evaluated for ADHD. It came as a complete surprise to me that the result was pretty much without doubt. It affects me with mundane and everyday things more than it does with things I have to actively focus on, but apparently I just developed coping mechanisms throughout my life that helped me.