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||OT|| Let’s talk about facing death
Everyday is a struggle for me. Medicated (Lexapro) just so I can function in the world. My PTSD/severe anxiety got in the way of finishing my degree back in 2012. This was before I discovered Lexapro and became part of the big pharma slave race. Before, during and after that year I was a mess. Depression, desperation and guilt ravaged me. I didn’t want to leave my room or the house. I had to work graveyard shifts just to stay away from the public. Couldn’t go to concerts any more which is one my favorite pastimes. Missed several family functions because agoraphobia was an issue and limited my time in riding in a car or flying wasn’t an option. So what brought me to this state of being?
Halloween Eve of 1999 had to be the linchpin. I was accidentally shot by my (former) best friend and roommate. Went through the back and tore through my small intestines and went through the left side of my abdomen. Luckily, it hit the stove and didn’t injure anyone else in its path. I have 15” of my small intestines removed and spent about a week in the hospital. Long road of recovery was ahead.
Prior to that event, I sold pot and acid by myself and with some friends. During that time, I was jumped making a delivery. Hit in the back of the head with a crowbar and had my arm slammed by a heavy apartment door. Four stitches on the crown of my head and I believe 34 stitches in my arm. A couple of years after that I experienced a home invasion when three dudes busted my front door and ransacked the house. One of them pistol whipped me behind my right ear, spit on me and kicked me in the gut. Fun times indeed.
The final event (as of today) was suffering from a pulmonary embolism in 2014. Blood clots hit both lungs and I almost kick the bucket. I believe it was the second time it happened. A week prior I didn’t realize what it was. The doctor (after an X-ray) said it I had an enlarged heart. Shortly after, I experienced the major PE. I have to take Warfarin for the rest of my life now since the doctor believes I have hypercoagable lupus. Makes my blood super thick and move slowly.
There’s the majority of the major physical events I’ve encountered. Let’s get to the mental side. And I’m not referring to trauma of going through everything listed above. I’m talking about all of the pot, LSD, shrooms & ecstasy I consumed in my teenage years. I believe that the combination of all these events and chemicals have put me where I am today.
I’m not sure why I’m making this public. The good news is that I just returned from a trip to Montana (24 hr drive). With the help of Valium (I know I know) & Lexapro I was able to enjoy an amazing adventure with my family. Where do I go from here? I don’t want to rely on meds to get me though the day or the rest of my life. Maybe this is therapy. Hopefully, this post might help someone in today or in the future.
Any advice, feedback or experiences is greatly appreciated.
Enjoy each moment as if it was your last
Sincerely,
Chris
Comments
I think you already summed up the answers to come pretty well right there.
Thanks for sharing. Sincerely.
Dude. So glad you did the family trip! Gotta love that unconditional love
Remember: No feeling is final. You don’t need to have it all figured out, and everybody has baggage, unless they’re pointlessly slinking through life unchanged. To be is enough, you know. So just be. Sending a big hug fella.
@iOSTRAKON
What @wim said.
Thank you for sharing.
It's good that the forum serve as an outlet for these feelings and for you to support.
I take your advice seriously and it helps me remember to be grateful when things are good.
Wow, thanks for Sharing that, that’s a heavy load to carry. PTSD is no joke, and you’ve been through a lot. However, the fact that you said it just now also means you’re still here and you have a lot of strength. Whatever has happened in the past can’t be changed but the future can always change (but no matter what, there will always be tough spots).
I was a therapist until the end of last year, but am also a person with ADHD who relies on medication as part of my solution. I tried without it but realized I’m better with it. I think the tough part is accepting who you are, and that whoever you look at, they’re not perfect and have their struggles too. And also their strengths, as do you. In the times when you need a break from people, find ways to give yourself that break and to help them understand that it’s your need that has nothing to do with loving them or not enjoying their company. That’s a struggle for me with my family at times too.
I can’t give much life changing advice or but I really do understand the medication piece. Would it help you to see that medication is only one part of your picture? If that’s the piece of the puzzle that needs to be filled, only that will fill it. But it also helps you to do the things like share what you shared here, and to do therapy and work things out, and most importantly, to find ways to enjoy life and deal with obstacles. Also, if you needed a heart medication to get through each day, would that be any different (it’s not). Needing lexapro and valium isn’t any sort of personal failing, it’s just what you need, that’s all. I don’t mean to minimize by saying that, just offering a different perspective.
Sharing here was brave and strong and I think you’ll find that there’s a lot of understanding here, people have shared similar stories.
Thank you @wim / @colonel_mustard / @Gravitas / @McD
Your feedback is sacred to me. I’m blessed to have a wife that is dedicated to keeping me alive. I’d be long gone without her.
One of the best things that came from all of this is I will not stress about the small things.
Also, I use music to get all of this out. So if and when you listen to one of my tracks. Know that it is pure escapism for me.
Very wise and helpful words. I have accepted my fate so to speak. If I can do the things I thought I would never do again, it’s totally worth it. Is it addiction? Maybe. A therapeutic addiction.
I'll keep that in mind when I listen your music.
I think that could be said for all of us.
Bless up.
Thank you, I worked on something on my trip to Montana after suffering a tense panic attack. I have to revisit it and get it out. A cure of sorts.
A brave, eye-opening post. Thanks for sharing. Just wanted to acknowledge your post and send you positive thoughts.
Hope you're enjoying Elastic Drums!
My best mate had terrible PTSD. Ex (army stuff), saw bad things, tried to kill his commanding officer etc. Therapy and group sessions really helped, along with (not too much) booze and a bit of a smoke to take the edges off. Worked for him. And music, friends.
Avoid chemical crutches if you can.
I ripped some muscles in my back last year, and was prescribed valium. Weird drug, didn’t notice any big effects, but it caused a total removal of all my pains, stresses and worries.
Took it a couple of times until I came to my senses and realised how easy it would be to keep taking it. But would avoid it if you can, as it’s highly addictive. Sometimes the pain helps to keep things in focus.
Therapy is the key.
@iOSTRAKON
I look forward to hearing it and the rest of your tracks as well.
I definitely am at the moment. Good god that app is right up my alley.
Thanks, man! I hope your friend is doing better these days. My son is in the Navy and was the first to respond to that recent active shooter at Pearl Harbor. I worry everyday for his safety and hope he walks away without too many scars.
Thank you for the wise words
What a story. Thanks for sharing it. I have nothing of the intensity of your experiences, though I have suffered anxiety (at some stages bad enough that I couldn't work, and couldn't imagine how to get through the rest of my life), and depression, pretty much all my life. So I can relate on that level.
For years I always carried round my little supply of diazepam, just in case, and those meds sure are miraculous at stripping anxiety away. I'm also on anti depressants (which have made a huge difference for anxiety also). Sometimes I go off them, but, so far, haven't been able to make it very long before things go too far downhill.
I have almost zero experience with drugs, of the other kind you mention, though I do drink too much, it's fair to say.
Do you find music a therapy? I've listened to some of the things you post, and it's very accomplished, and very dark! It's a bit too dark and ... aggressive? maybe that's not the right word ... for my tastes, but I can sure see where that comes from based on your story.
I haven't faced death in the way you have, but its on my mind quite a lot. One of my sisters died, then my mother, about 8-10 years ago, and my father last year. I'm in my late 50s now so that's not surprising, but I have feared death and been quite hypochondriac at times. I have a lot of lyric fragments that are quite morbid. I had some idea the other day about being on a 'death bed'. a lot of people don't die in bed, so I though of having lyrics about driving my death car, walking down my death street etc. I used to be quite religious, but curiously my fear of death is weaker now that I'm not. Maybe because I could never quite believe the things I believed...
There's one dude whose psychological input I have listened to and enjoyed. I'll mention him, though he is controversial, hated and loved, and if you hate him that's OK by me too
or maybe you know nothing about him. It's Jordan Peterson, who I first listened to before he was in/famous. A friend into all sorts of esoteric things pointed me to his 'maps of meaning' lecture series. It's just series of videos from a lecture theatre. And I found it so illuminating about the human condition in general. It kinda changed my outlook on people totally. Including the right/left dichotomy.
Also relevant to this is he and his family had a long struggle with depression, anxiety, and auto immune issues. Lately his life has gone seriously downhill, due to serious family health problems, resurgence of depression, anxiety, bad reactions to meds, and he nearly died, I believe. So that story is not over.
Anyway, I mention that as it opened my mind on a psychological level, take with a grain of salt.
I applaud you for telling your story, I'm sure it will encourage others who need it, and I hope you get some responses that encourage you too. Good to hear of your progress with the family trip. There is always hope! My life is not a bed of roses, but I've managed to have a lot of really good experiences since those times I wondered how I'd ever get through the coming years.
Simon
I can not really give you any advice as I am not qualified but I have learned one thing in life: changing doctors can work wonders. I had a minor medical condition for many years and several doctors were completely useless. I had given up on solving the problem already and some years later, more or less by chance another doctor was able to solve the problem with ease. The whole story was really ridiculous, the solution to my problems so simple. Finding a good doctor is as hard as finding the perfect synth
It's good to hear that making music helps you, because that is what we are all here for. Stay strong and take care!
i hope you continue to find strength and growth. Might i suggest mediation, yoga, and exercise. Spending time in nature can work wonders too. Even just a solo walk through a nearby park or nature trail. I try to spend an hour a day outside minimum. There is a great app for meditation called headspace. and a great yoga for beginners app called down dog.
Making these a part of your daily practice, along with healthy eating, (brain chemistry starts in the stomach) can do wonders.
I know you mentioned Acid, shrooms, mdma could have contributed to your PTSD, which is absolutely valid. However, they effected me the exact opposite. I wont get into too much detail, but I suffered from some traumatic events from a young age, and psychedelic therapy helped me to overcome these things. Note i used the term therapy, im not just suggesting unregulated drug use and partying.
I too abused drugs as a teenager, MDMA, shrooms, ACID, coke etc etc etc. but i stopped for years, and then approached them with a different mindset and in a responsible manner, and they completely changed my life. I now take mushroom microdoses periodically, and do a full threshold dose a couple of times a year if needed.
Johns Hopkins University has been making great steps forward in using mushrooms to treat depression, anxiety, ptsd, drug abuse etc. if anyone is at all curious and looking for some further info.
best of luck to you
@iOSTRAKON hey man,dont know you but your work speaks to me.all i can say..hang in there..(im bad at this sort of stuff)
Yo!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the chat bro!!! As I said hang in there you are not alone!!!!! Together we can get through some of this shite!!!!!
iOstrakon, thank you for sharing this, you've been through a rough ride, man, really rough.
Shinyshiny's advice here resonates a lot. In fact, as I was reading your story I thought about a friend of mine who served in Iraq and used meditation and psychedelics to treat the ptsd he suffered. Also, don't underestimate the potential benefits of sleep, diet and exercise. I am deeply interested in traditional medicine, and in recent years modern medicine has been catching up with the important connection between the brain and the stomach. Just an anecdote I know, but some time ago I met a guy who was suffering from schizophrenia, and I couldn't help but notice that his tongue was really in a mess that showed he had major digestive issues. I personally have noticed that when my digestion is good, my mind is a lot clearer, with less brain fog etc. Again, I'm not presenting these two statements as any kind of evidence, but it is worth giving this some thought and seeing if it might be relevant to your case. It equally might not be and there could be other factors at play.
Let's add to this list of sleep, exercise, diet and connection with nature the importance of talking. Doesn't have to be with a paid professional. There are a bunch of peer to peer ways that people use talk to heal. AA, Circling, the Dyad Process are a few that come to mind. The kind of talking I mean is similar in some ways to the quality of talk that someone might have when talking to their therapist.
Try this : get a friend you trust. Call each other once a week and take turns talking to each other in 5 minute increments, where one talks and the other just listens attentively, and doesn't give any advice at all, just listens. You can talk about whatever is on your mind or you can draw up lists of questions in advance. The questions could be therapeutic, or philosophal, or whatever. Do it lying or sitting down and with eyes closed. Go back and forth with these 5 min listening sessions for about an hour and then at the end, if you want, have some discussion together about anything interesting that came up. I've been doing variations on this with a friend and in a small group for about a year, and it is very powerful stuff.
Thanks again for sharing, and I wish you well brother, big hug.
@iOSTRAKON thanks for sharing, both your music and your heart. Really enjoyed your Layr video a while back. Praying for you.
The use of psychedelics with PTSD is interesting stuff. And any reading and idea can be helpful, it’s good to collect information and decide what makes sense to you.
Whatever anyone does, just remember that you are not alone.
Hoping for the best for you, and I always listen to the music that you post to the list!
Many Blessings to you @iOSTRAKON for showing us the strength of your spirit. May your days forward be blessed and plentiful with the joys your deserve.
Your story struck a nerve in me and the muse did arise:
OUR PATHS
As we walk through this life our paths intertwine in so many ways that we often forget our path and why we ended up where we did...but i am here, thinking.
No.
Pondering the infinite
Pondering the now
Pondering the past
Where have we come from
Where are we headed
Each step we take is based on our past
So we must remember each step, allowing it to guide the next.
The Hell one has journeyed need not be the Hell one takes next.
Our paths cross
Our paths intertwine
Our paths unify
The eternal is ever present when guided by ones heart
Reflect
Ponder
Be with eternity now
Let the Lord be your guide
Stay strong sir. Angels watch over you 👊🏼™️
Beautiful post @iOSTRAKON. Kinda just what we all needed, I feel. This plague makes most of us think about how risky life is. But it was way risky before. Our brains shove it down so we can function, but there’s value in letting it in, too. Our societies sweep it out of sight as much as possible. I can’t say I think about it more now that I am past seventy. I work with it by telling myself all this fuss and muss is terrific, but so is the prospect of no fuss and muss. Not taking it too seriously. Not worrying about what others think.
I was feeling sorry for you till you said you have a wife that has stuck by you 😉. Man, most unafflicted guys can’t manage that. And a son that loves you, I’m guessing. I quoted Eden Ahbez’s Nature Boy in another, not so positive, thread... The greatest thing you’ll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return. Seems like you have managed that. The rest is just paperwork. Feel good about what is good.
Glad you’re here.
I think there is a big difference between the average kind of trip we do in our teens and what is going on in the research into ptsd etc. They pay a lot of attention to set and setting, there is a professional with you, guiding things, and you do debriefings after, maybe even over several days. The book How to Change your Mind by Michael Pollan is a good look at the resurgence of research into psychedelics. The history part was a bit dull, but the sections on what's happening today, and his own experience of finally starting to trip in his 50s were very interesting.
Thank you, Simon
Music is definitely an outlet and an escape for me. A tool to block out and translate my depression and the intensity I’m experiencing. It’s ok if my music isn’t your style
I’ve always created from what I’m going through and use it as therapy.
I’m sincerely sad to read about your loss. I haven’t experienced too much death in my family. However, since you mentioned deathbed. I watched my grandfather pass away in his bed in 99. Will always stick with me. He was a general surgeon in the Army and chose to pass away at home. Can’t blame him at all. I hope you use your death car / death street lyrics in a future song. Please put it in this thread so I don’t miss it.
Jordan Peterson sounds very familiar. If you can provide a link, I’d definitely take a look.
Thank you again for taking the time to write me and I wish you the best.
For the others, I will definitely respond quickly. I’m watching my new baby granddaughter
@iOSTRAKON. I always have stuff to say about stuff, but what Mister Ruf says here is far better than anything I have, apart from the confirmation, which we all need sometimes, that we are all alone in this together and I suspect somewhere between here and there your own experience in this life will prove of great service to another.
Man, I know the feeling. I just had surgery last year to fix a hernia and the doc was going to remove a reactive lymph node in the back of my left knee. I had to finally after going through many doctors and paying for exam after exam and told this guy to open me up. Well, he found 6 hernias in my abdomen. Doctors call it Swiss cheese hernias. He opened the back of my left knee and he noticed a herniated fascia and repaired that. My abdomen feels a lot better but the back of my knee is in constant pain.
Prior to that surgery, I found a concierge doctor who put me on the right path to get the help I needed.
Thanks for the advice and sharing