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Comments
@iOSTRAKON I think its great that you are able to write and share. There must be people who have been through similar problems but arnt able to do that yet and I think part of the reason you write is that you are in a much better place than in the past. You want to heal and be well but you want to help others who havent yet got your amazing ability to share. Thats my take on this, that you are a good person.
I think you are on the right path, one that isnt easy. That you have kept your wife and son as allies is proof of this.
Keep on, keepin on as they say
Thanks for posting
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope it helped. You are brave and strong.
If your susceptible to mental health then taking drugs can be the catalyst to kicking it off.
I took ecstasy Friday and Saturday nights every week without fail for a few years. What that must do to the chemicals in the brain is anybody’s guess and I ended up suffering a breakdown. Paranoia, anxiety, I didn’t want to leave the house, couldn’t go to work.
I got put on citalopram and was able to function again. I felt fine so weened myself off them. Soon after, my mam passed away suddenly and it hit me hard. I had insomnia and depression so bad I thought about ending it. I tell myself now that I wouldn’t have done it as I don’t have the balls but an action starts with a thought so who knows.
Again I was able to function again after going back on to citalopram but it took about eight weeks before I felt ‘normal’ again.
I feel taking them for me is like someone taking medication for any other ailment, be it for the heart, diabetes etc.
Would I have suffered mental health issues without taking drugs years ago, who knows. I don’t regret taking drugs as the times I had clubbing are the best times I had. The music, the friends I made, the memories will never leave me but neither will the mental issues.
Thank you all for your concerns and well wishes. Very sacred to me that each of you took the time to reach out.
This AUM session was created during my attack. As I stated in the description of the video, it wasn’t very focused even though I was trying to focus on one thing.
The spoken word was taken from this site. The sterile medical explanation of anxiety (I believe) is vague and unrewarding. So many different variables and levels of this syndrome.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/307863#anxiety_or_panic
I hope today and the days that follow, that you find something that makes you enjoy your existence. Plan to do something you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t be afraid of failure. Don’t avoid your fears. Reach out to me or someone if you ever need an ear or some advice. Removing yourself from what ails you is a big step. Get out into nature and appreciate the little things.
Warning: this vid/track contains one of the many times that I was at my weakest.
I have a new track that will be a polar opposite. A reflection of sorts.
Thanks again and take core
@iOSTRAKON goooooood! your back
mite be your best track..
AND ”the fat sandwich of death” on masterbus haha , i use that on allthings now
Good Track!!!!! And hang in there!!!!!
That you can look at and talk about all of this is huge. Don't underestimate the progress you've made; the darkest times are when you don't understand what's happening and why. Understanding is the foundation upon which your continued healing will be built, so celebrate that.
Intense, cathartic track. Do you always find music making to be a release? Personally, making music tends to lead me, so working on a dark track leads me to dark places. Obviously you know what works for you, but wondering if you've ever tried to "flip the script" and write something unabashedly happy and light?
Death’s no big deal, Life is difficult.
If you live beyond a certain point, death is a friend who takes away the pain.
After the death of my daughter I came to accept that it comes to all of us, so there’s no point in sweating it. Rather than facing death, I’ve turned my back on it. It’ll happen when it happens.
Mannnnn, it definitely is a crazy track. Wish Audio Damage would come out with some more AUV3 drum apps.
Thank you, sir! Nice new profile pic
Sometimes I am guilty of underestimating things I’ve been through. Hard to fight that during depression. Never tried a light or happy track. Not sure I could emotionally create that. Yes, each song is pouring out some type of anguish. Although, my next track will be more ambient.
Man, I’m sincerely sad to hear about your loss. I’m not afraid of death internally. Just concerned how my passing will affect others. Take care
I'm sorry for your loss. I recently lost my father, I can only imagine the reverse.
None should see their children die before they do.
Such a shy reality
Is it cessation
Is it nullification
Is it no thing
We are detectives
Only obliquely may we gaze
at the absence of its form
ungraspable, immaterial,
fathomless in its depths
Is it transcension
Is it damnation
Is it reformation
We are incoherent
Its aspect cannot be relayed
A knot of useless descriptors
Stammering with adjectives
Words left to their own mouldering
Is it delerium
Is it nightmare
Is it pleasure
We are cacophonous
Crying for reversal
Shouting for a second chance
Mournful of the irreversible
Boisterous in memory
It is itself
It is bare
It is unaccomodating
A reality so real
This unreality, death
(that was a first pass - self critique: I've got to get away from poems that sound like listicles)
Man, you’re an outstanding lyricist
@iOSTRAKON thanks
Sometimes I just feel like I’m just full of words.
Good form of expression and release. In my old band [Dead Frail Honesty] we used to take turns writing a line for lyrics. So, 3 to 6 people mixing their thoughts onto paper. Turned into some great lyrics. Good luck trying to decipher the meaning behind any of it
In the essay "Différance" Derrida indicates that différance gestures at a number of heterogeneous features that govern the production of textual meaning. The first (relating to deferral) is the notion that words and signs can never fully summon forth what they mean, but can only be defined through appeal to additional words, from which they differ. Thus, meaning is forever "deferred" or postponed through an endless chain of signifiers. The second (relating to difference, sometimes referred to as espacement or "spacing") concerns the force that differentiates elements from one another, and in so doing engenders binary oppositions and hierarchies that underpin meaning itself.
Awesome, thanks for the knowledge
poets
A consummate innovator, Gysin altered the cut-up technique to produce what he called permutation poems in which a single phrase was repeated several times with the words rearranged in a different order with each reiteration. An example of this is "I don't dig work, man/Man, work I don't dig." Many of these permutations were derived using a random sequence generator in an early computer program written by Ian Sommerville. Commissioned by the BBC in 1960 to produce material for broadcast, Gysin's results included "Pistol Poem", which was created by recording a gun firing at different distances and then splicing the sounds. That year, the piece was subsequently used as a theme for the Paris performance of Le Domaine Poetique, a showcase for experimental works by people like Gysin, François Dufrêne, Bernard Heidsieck, and Henri Chopin.
I can see how that might be a perceived possibility, but nah apparently it's a bit just my style. Repitition and inversion.
Here's a longer one and currently as topical as it was when I wrote it in 2015 ( @iOSTRAKON this is the "rap" one)
UP and DOWN
Why have you got to - you got to
Tear me down,
Pull me down,
Just to build you up?
Makes me want to…
Tear it down,
Bring it down.
You’ve got to see
What’s going down!
Why don’t you help me up?
Instead of listening,
You put me in the ground
With another round,
That’s just sooo messed up.
Pants falling to the ground,
Hands raised, praying
“You better not be looking!”
Can’t make another sound,
Without you trying to
Keep me, beat me, choke me
with no grounds,
but “suspicion”.
Then chase me down,
Bust my crown,
And then lock me up.
Let’s be blunt about my sentence:
Extra fear for just being brown.
"No new crow, Jim!”
Jumping up and down.
Tears all around.
Bleeding, blood flowing
Trying to soften the hardest ground.
Why have you got to - you got to
Tear me down,
Pull me down,
Just to build you up?
Makes me want to…
Tear it down,
Bring it down.
You’ve got to see
What’s going down!
Why don’t you help me up?
“I can’t breathe…”
Tear gas all around
You can’t stop saying thug!
You keep coming,
Dog whistling, to my house
Shoving King in my face,
hoping Malcolm doesn’t show.
Running, running your mouth.
Looping, looping
Blaming, blaming…
Endless news heads bobbing
Shaking, shaming…
Cycling and recycling propaganda for policy
Replacing my protest with your fears
“Brother, you ain’t from this town.”
Why have you got to - you got to
Tear me down,
Pull me down,
Just to build you up?
Slow motion racism
Replaced by a faster cynicism,
With guns, snipers, cameras and cammo,
Tanks and tear gas.
One system grinding down as
Military law enforcement gears up.
One contract, one society broken.
Can’t you help me up?
Mothers have to beat down their sons on TV,
To keep them from their fathers.
And you wonder, you still wonder,
“Where the fathers are?”
When YOU’VE got them all locked up!
Those drugs are different from these drugs.
Cocaine is “different”
Separate but “equal”
But this war started before crack was street king.
The republic’s southern strategy -
divide and conquer - backs me up.
BUT!
Tough on crime.
You’ll pay the fine. You’ll do the time.
Black and white is the law!
Procedures will be followed!
However, when true judgement is forsaken,
And compassion is all used up,
All I can do is cry,
“Justice is blind”…
and tear on up.
Could be a metal song as well! Good stuff
Keep your electric eye on me
Oh yeah
❤️Bowie one o my musical heroes 👨🎤