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Re-cycled Jokes

McDMcD
edited January 2022 in Other

Two guys were walking down the street when they spot a dog by the curb licking it's balls.

One guy says "I wish I could do that." and the other replies "Why not? It looks like a friendly dog."

[Rim-shot] [Cymbal Crash]

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Comments

  • An elderly couple in their 90s show up at the county courthouse and ask the clerk for a divorce. The clerk looks over their paperwork and says: "You two have been married for seventy years! Why divorce now?". The old man replies: "We were waiting for the kids to die".

  • “I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'”

  • A Zen Buddhist walks into a pizza restaurant, and says, “Make me one with everything.”

  • edited January 2022

    [edit it was Barry Cryer not Humphries, brain fart on my part, sorry to anyone who got a shock]

    One of Barrie Humphries that I heard yesterday in the radio after he died…

    Man walks into a shop and says ‘do you sell flies?’

    Puzzled shopkeeper replies ‘no, of course not, don’t be daft’

    ‘Well, there’s one in the window’

    Wah wah waaah

  • A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

    As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

    He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

    "No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible," said the first man.

    "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year and not use it?"

    The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

    This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

    "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

  • @mistercharlie said:
    A Zen Buddhist walks into a pizza restaurant, and says, “Make me one with everything.”

    …the monk gives him a twenty. After waiting a few minutes he asks “Where’s my change?” The counter man says… “Change comes from within”.

    Schwartz goes to the doctor. Doctor says “Schwartz, I have bad news… you have cancer AND Alzheimer’s. Schwartz says, “whew, at least I don’t have cancer!”

  • A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 ,and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!"

  • During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

  • Oxford comma: I want to thank my parents, Ayn Rand and God.

  • A doctor walks into his office. His nurse says, Doctor, did you know you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear? The doctor replied, " Great. Some asshole has my pen."

  • A pianist and a singer are rehearsing “Autumn Leaves” for a concert.

    The pianist says to the singer, “Okay. We’ll start in G minor. And then in the third bar, modulate to B Major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. In the last A section, go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."

    The singer replies, “Wow, I don’t think I can remember all of that."

    The pianist explains, “Well, that’s what you did last time.”

  • Q: How may art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

  • edited January 2022

    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One, but the bulb really has to want to change.

  • I said to my son, "One day you’ll have kids of your own". He replied, “yeah, you too.”

      -Rodney Dangerfield
    
  • Do you like psychology? I don’t. I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, whoa, ‘look what’s telling me that’.

    • Emo Philips 🖤
  • How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, or two? One, or two? One, or two?

  • Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?
    The ultrasound guy.

  • I went to the zoo. In one enclosure there was just a slice of toast.

    It was bread in captivity.

  • Why did the partially-sighted man fall down the well?

    Because he couldn’t see that well.

  • @Krupa said:
    One of Barrie Humphries that I heard yesterday in the radio after he died…

    Barry Humphries died?

  • @Simon said:

    @Krupa said:
    One of Barrie Humphries that I heard yesterday in the radio after he died…

    Barry Humphries died?

    So sorry, brain fart Barry Cryer

  • edited January 2022

    @Krupa said:
    So sorry, brain fart Barry Cryer

    Phew. I wondered how I missed Barry Humphries dying. He's a national treasure, of sorts, here.

  • Totally, I’ve added a note to my original post so it doesn’t shock anyone else 😬

    @Simon said:

    @Krupa said:
    So sorry, brain fart Barry Cryer

    Phew. I wondered how I missed Barry Humphries dying. He's a national treasure, of sorts, here.

  • Strange that - I read Barry Humphries, and I knew it was Barry Cryer who died (I know who he is and had read and watched several tributes) - but it never occurred to me for a second that the name was wrong.

  • Yeah, I don’t know exactly what went on in my brain, but I’d heard loads of stuff on the radio about him the last few days, I think I was just so pleased with myself that I’d actually remembered the joke 😂

  • A man and a blonde are waiting at a bus stop. When the bus stops the man asks the driver „Can I get to the city centre on this bus?“ The driver says “No, I'm sorry”. And then the blonde asks “And I?”

  • I heard your guitarist is about to go to jail. What happened?

    He fingered A minor.

  • Knock Knock

    ‘Who’s there?’

    ‘Old lady’

    ‘Old lady who?’

    ‘I didn’t know you could yodel’

  • How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?…..

    10……

    9…..

    8…..

  • @Strigoi said:
    I heard your guitarist is about to go to jail. What happened?

    He fingered A minor.

    It gets worse:

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