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I think even better yet - the way I first heard it was - ‘if you give him a biscuit, he might let you’
Classic!
A guy is telling his neighbor about his dog: "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle!"
The neighbor says "What are you going to do about it?"
The guy says "I Guess the only solution is to take away his bicycle…"
Even the terrible jokes aren't so bad if you read them in Gilbert Gottfried's voice
Everything sounds better when said in his voice.
Then I guess you havent heard Gilbert sing Tom Waits songs
4/1/22
25th Anniversary "The Big Lebowski" Bowling Ball based on an hi-res image of the Sun.
https://forum.audiob.us/uploads/editor/d9/daks0u1ebj7a.png
Hmm. I hope I never do…
Nice!
Bob the Undertaker
What happened to you? asked his wife.
I had a terrible day, said Bob. I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge election. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.
That must have been awful, says the wife, but how did you get the black eye?
Bob: …Wrong room …
JUST THE PUNCHLINE:
“So could I; mine’s as big as a house!”
Young lawyer Abe Lincoln wound up his case saying, “The honorable prosecutor has the facts right, but he’s drawing the wrong conclusions.” The farmers in the jury box tittered and shuffled their feet. Lincoln won. Afterwards, the prosecutor inquired, “What did you say to turn them in your favor?”
“Well, there’s a well-known joke in these parts. A young boy comes running to his father. ‘Daddy, Daddy, sister’s in the hayloft with the hired man. He’s pulling down his pants and she’s lifting up her skirts. Their gonna pee all over our hay.’”
“Well son, you got the facts right, but you’re drawing the wrong conclusions.”
Can never tell which one's will hit the mark. This really had me rollin'...so thanks
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'
'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.
'President Biden,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go.
At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but is still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican, when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
An old lady calls the cops. She complains that every night as she’s going to bed, she can see, out her bedroom window, a man in the building across from her undressing to complete nakedness, while standing in front of his own window.
A cop comes to investigate. The cop stands at the lady’s bedroom window at the appropriate time and sure enough, there’s that guy across the way pulling his clothes off. The cop says, “But lady, you can only see him from the waist up.”
“Stand on the bed! Stand on the bed!”
How do you know when the drum riser is level?
Your drummer dribbles from both sides of his mouth.
I'm surprised there's not more drummer jokes in this thread. Especially the classic: What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A drummer.
I am going to be repeating this in almost every circumstance for many weeks to come...
Ha!
There is also this variation:
What do you call someone who hangs around with blues musicians?
A harp player.
It's about 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar is about ready to go home. Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him, "Hey buddy, why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until past midnight. Something wrong?"
The guy responds, "No, ain't nothin' wrong, just gotta sore behind from sittin' on this stool for so long."
"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya." says the bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle and hands the guy two pills.
The guy says, "What're these, aspirin?"
"No," says the bartender... "Stool softener."
(ba-dum tish!)
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”