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//// Depression- I hate this.\\\\
TLDR: I’m freaking deeply depressed and hate it.
@Michael if this is not cool then please remove it. Like some have said this is one the best message forums I have been on and a lot like a big family.
So I share this here as IRL(in real life) I am an open book, so maybe this might help me or maybe someone else is struggling.
For the past year I have been spiraling down a dark hole which just keeps getting worse. In May found out I have some fairly bad heart disease. Not quite to the point where they need to stent or bypass, but need to make some changes. I did ok for a while…then Father in law died, I got laid off my job that I have been at 23 years, my youngest daughter dropped out of her freshman year at college. She has been suicidal and very depressed as well. Life just sucks….. I know people have it a lot worse and I am trying to be sensitive to that, but my mind as created a bad place for me. I don’t have a plan and its not a daily thought, but there are times where I would like to just not wake up.
I know what some solutions are but when you are depressed its so hard to do them. I am flat out scared to death of anti-depression meds…. I have seen some bad shi% with my daughter and I am super sensitive to the side effects. I have been to counseling, but with covid its hard to find someone that I like and trust. I know I should exercise, eat better, meditate, seek spiritual solutions (for me) but when you are in the bitter morass of self pity….
And I cant do any music…. Its become a huge demon for me. Its like I almost want to feel bad and punish my self. I love music but my mind is racing all the time now and I just cant connect all the pieces that we sometimes need to do on IOS. Maybe I should finally cave and learn Drambo…. 😁
So…. This is where I have been. I hate it and want to make changes, but like I said very hard!! This past year or so combined with the world we live in….. ugggg. So for anyone else that is struggling you are not alone. I hope and pray that the darkness will go away someday. I am just existing day by day now. I am lucky that I have some severance and dont need to immediately find a job, but that wont last forever.
Maybe this is a start sharing this. I am sorry if this offends anyone and I dont mean that. Why post this on a music forum? Like I said this can be like a big family picnic at times.
Take care AB friends and hopefully one day I can crawl out this deep hole.
Charlie
Comments
I hope that things start looking up for you soon
Big hug from Italy. xxx
Can I recommend the books/podcasts by https://drchatterjee.com/ as a starting point?
@onerez I thought I would share with you that I have family who also dealt with depression and their meds have been very helpful. I am really sorry have seen some bad stuff with your daughter's meds but I thought I would share that I have seen some who have found that meds can provide relief so I would continue exploring that option...and exercise and all the other things you mentioned. Good luck with all of this. Hopefully things will turn around soon.
I found this story interesting, maybe you'll find something helpful in it. If you don't follow football/soccer, Gigi Buffon is one of the best goal keepers in the history of the game, a true legend. If nothing else, listening a bit to the sound of the beautiful Italian language could be soothing:
Dude. This is like a boilerplate post. With some minor find and replaces that could be my story.
Bullet points:
Then there's the meta stress you hint at:
There's more, but that's the highlight reel and I don't want to keep boring people. I'm with you. I know the things that help me but at some point I missed a step and couldn't stay in front of the depression, and now I'm under it. In my case that's literal. I've screwed up my right knee skateboarding, snowboarding, then had a bad wreck mountain biking where it got twisted, and then recently re-injured it because I hadn't been working out and keeping it strong enough to be stabilized. So I had to take a break from my sports and exercise and started feeling depressed about getting older and my body not recovering or keeping up like it used to. Then I got lost in all of it.
Getting to the point, I've always been opinionated about anti-depressants and strongly felt that for most people it was an easy button when instead lifestyle changes should be made. The usual package of exercise, meditation, better sleep scheduling, better diet, finding hobbies and expressing yourself, etc. And while I definitely still think those are critical components of mental health, as well as obviously physical health, when you're truly smothered by depression it can be impossible to drag yourself out. Fortunately, a couple of years ago my wife, um, strongly encouraged me to see a doctor. I ended up getting on medication and I feel like that's a contributing factor to being able to continue to tread water. I'm still me, I still have my passions and motivations, but I'm buffered now and don't have the same depth of manic-depression type swings, where they fully control me.
I'm at a personal turning point, and feel like I'm at rock-bottom for me. Things could definitely get worse but this is where I draw my personal line of bedrock. I'm in the early phases of turning around and getting back on track, but this time feels like it's finally taking.
This is an unproofread, stream-of-consciousness monologue, pre-coffee no less, but it felt like a cathartic journaling session. I know it was just a commiseration post and not one offering any words of support, but the truth is that I don't know you nor do I know your situation. But know that you're not alone in suffering. If anything, depression seems to be a common affliction to thoughtful, emotional people. I hope you can find the support and will-power to turn things around. Like you, I've been just focusing on today and putting one foot in front of the other. Now I'm forcing myself to pick my footing so that I end up on a better path.
@onerez always good to share. I know you a bit and you're a great guy and a good and caring person. You've definitely had a mofo of a tough year. As you say, do what you can, when you can, day by day. You've been through a lot of shit in the past and come through it. Need to somehow find a balance between pushing yourself to do the things you know you need to do to get better, and not beating yourself up when you're not quite managing to do them. I'm here for you and I'm sire many others are. Also @Liquidmantis, thanks for sharing, that's been hella rough and I hope things get better. No doubt the past year or two have inflicted a huge amount of mental illness, unhappiness and distress. Hoping better times are coming soon for you and all of us. 🙏
Agree with this too. Sertraline has been tranformational for a member of my family with no obvious undesirable side effects. Much better than Citalopram which did seems to cause a kind of euphoric mania, especially when mixed with alcohol.
For us the benefits massively outweighed the risks. To be honest there wasn't much to lose by giving it a try....
I don't suffer from depression but I do know people who do or did and I also know a few people with heart trouble without an obvious clinical cause.
A very common theme: Fears are like poison for your heart.
Above all, I would like to kindly ask you to love and take care of your heart more than ever, the restless worker who permanently tries to ignore any trouble around you and does its job as good as it can.
It may thank you for keeping you alive.
Sorry to hear of your hardships, Charlie.
Since you mentioned wanting to make changes a couple of times, I suggest making a list of the changes you want to make. Prioritize them as best you can, and start knocking them out one at a time. Trying to take on too much can make one feel overwhelmed and cause procrastination.
I also suggest looking into practicing mindfulness. It can help to avoid the dark places. Here is good primer - https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
No advice… just to say that I am listening and so are many others who may not comment.
Shit man, sorry you're feeling so bad.
I don't think I'm qualified to offer any advice per se, but I can say that you've obviously found somewhere away from real life where you can talk. You clearly have lots of pairs of ears here that are happy to listen :-)
And if you feel like engaging with any of the music threads, maybe they might even help tickle the creative juices. (Tickle juices? Not sure I thought that one through!)
Take care and keep talking.
I’m in the same boat, @onerez . PTSD is a bitch. I don’t want to tell you something that you already know. You’re an intelligent man.
However, I will say that possibly your daughter’s condition might be what’s ailing you the most. I look at my family members when they can’t figure out how to help me. I would work on trying to help her daily to achieve or overcome as best as you can. That might lift your spirits to see her overcome these feelings. Since you both have a little time off, try to get outside. And I don’t mean down the street to the park. I mean to go camping or something similar to completely disconnect so you can reconnect.
My two cents. I truly think about you and your family a lot.
maybe we can collab together to get us both out of this funk and “push” each other
Always here if you need me // take CORE
Hang in there Charlie, We’re here for you brother!
You know you can PM me anytime. As you know, and we’ve talked about this before, I’ve going through this shit as well. Music is the ONLY thing that’s kept me together, and besides my health, the one and ONLY thing that can’t be taken away.
…
@onerez your sharing and openness to discuss this will help others. Wishing you strength 👊
Man, I really feel for you and I hope things start looking up soon.
I don’t know if this is any use, but people with mental health issues seem to rate the Blind Boy podcast - he talks about his journey with anxiety and depression without medication, and some of his coping methods. Not sure if there will be anything you haven’t already heard, but it’s a fun podcast regardless - only about 1 in 4 episodes is mental health based. There’s some great music ‘hot take’ ones, in particular the one about Northern Soul is very interesting.
https://open.spotify.com/show/7HinkS0WZqDuMXYh02EUY1?si=Q7X9ysiiT8SOMHUcdDkBww
Cbd would help you. Id say
Thanks for sharing Charlie, fingers crossed things will turn around for you. I've always noticed you're one of the most generous people on the forum and that includes this post, which means a lot.
Sending love and strength. Take care dude
I will say that in regards to depression and health matters you're not the only one.
I'll share this with you.
Before the Lockdowns etc here in the U.K I was regularly playing in venues,
I had a couple of nights going, doing promotion and the like.
It was going really well.
Lockdown hit.
I had a health scare which, from the symptoms alone, my doctor rushed me
to get blood tests and an MRI to rule out cancer.
Luckily I don't have cancer.
Thankfully everything is okay now and my health is getting back up to full strength.
I've had good company for the most part during Lockdowns here in the U.K.
I've been putting together instruments and crazy projects using iOS apps
and I've got good company to communicate with.
So many of us are suffering from depression which is entirely understandable.
So many of us are going through stuff that hurts.
It's okay.
Acknowledging that you or I or anymore is suffering from depression is
a step forward to remembering happiness and to finding happiness once more.
Years ago I did suffer from depression.
I know what it looks and feels like.
I found answers that enable me to find happiness even within the darkest of times.
You will eventually find a balance.
Acknowledging there's a problem is a beginning to finding better answers.
I'm hear to talk to too and for listening if you should ever need it.
Man, hugs for all!
Please continue to share your journey here and encourage others to share their trials.
Try responding to comments that seem to help lift you up or offer advice worth pursuing.
This forum is a good way to tap into a 24x7 community.
Indeed. One of the things that has helped me most is being more open. It's so easy for those of us in the thrall of depression to feel alone, like we're the only one going through it. Being open about it is releasing, and also lets others know they aren't alone, plus it increases public awareness and helps reduce the stigma around depression and how "it's all in your head".
What you've described is legitimately bad. Imagine that you had just had a bad dose of the flu, or some other illness. You'd need time to recover. This is no different. It sounds stupid, but just accepting that you're going through a bad time and are entitled to feel bad can be quite helpful.
Little improvements can help. Again think of this the way you might convalescing. Okay maybe you're not up to playing music at the moment, but you could explore a new genre maybe and listen to some new stuff? Try walking for a little bit (a 30 minute walk outside, particularly in nature, can be very helpful). Make sure you get some sunshine every day. Okay eating healthily is hard when you feel depressed, but look for ways you could eat a little better. Don't get fixated on perfect - just try to improve one thing a little bit.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can work for some people, not for others. I'm a fan personally (it worked for me), I know that it doesn't work for everyone. You could find a therapist who uses it, I used this book which was very helpful (but I'm sure there are plenty of other equally good books): https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Great-Revolutionary-Treatment-Depression/dp/168373288X What CBT does is it helps you understand how you process experiences and to change how you interpret things so they are more realistic and healthier.
Meditation can also be helpful for this. I've heard good things about this book:
Anti-depressants work for some people, don't work for others. I think it's a very personal thing and they also vary. Make sure if you take anything that you can stop taking it without any side effects. But I've heard people say that anti-depressants gave them the space they needed to make longer lasting improvements (such as exercising, finding a job, whatever it was). They didn't work for me but that was 20+ years ago, so not sure how relevant that is.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear about your issues - hang in there, I'm sure that life will get better. It's never easy for anyone but you've had a really rough time.
@onerez ill post something longer later if you want to read details. I can say I’ve been there - sometimes I’m still there - bouncing between normal anxiety and mild depression.
For now I wish I could hug you man. Seriously find a way to get and give hugs. Take it one day and a time… love you
So many people on this forum hear you. In the darkest time, you might find your heart and soul flooded with thoughts and emotions that disconnect you from activities that could contribute to make you feel better, even for a short while. That is a terrible spiral, that many of us have been through. When I find myself in this kind of situation, I tried to remember as much as possible what pull me into music. I try to remember those old times when for exemple, a chord change in a song I liked started to make sense. Or when after practicing for a while, my fingers started to move flawlessly and naturally, and then I didn't even have to think about all the gymnastic behind it. These moments are truly magical. Because you lose track of time, and your entire being is focused on a single task.
Life is like a long snake. You find yourself at a specific time and when looking back, you can see this entire body following behind, but it is so long, that you don't feel the further parts and sometimes don't even recognize it as yours anymore. But these far away parts of yourself are still there, somewhere inside. Those feelings, those ideas, these short moments of enlightenment, They're not lost because they built the very person you became. That is why, when everything goes wrong, I try to go back to this core of mine. Maybe it can be playing again that old song or just listening to it. Or, forcing myself into a routine of practice, to get back there.
I am not sure this will make any sense for you but it makes for me. Remember who I am not too let go of myself.
On this forum, You are truly in a right place full of amazing and loving people. And you're also here for a reason: music. And music has this incredible power to speak to your body and soul and can be incredibly soothing sometimes. Only good things can happen when reconnecting to it.
@onerez It's good that you felt free to share, and we're glad you did. We aren't just music makers with secondary appendages, but whole people, with hearts, minds, spirits, families, bodies, etc and we need to look after ourselves and those we love.
I've had my share of the kind of things that most of us have, and have some recent health scares too. Waiting for blood test results to come back, after being floored by a mysterious leg infection last week.
So yeah, glad you felt free to share, and as expected, there's been a rally of support round you because we're all real people, and we can resonate with so much of what you've shared and are going through.
When I have times like this, the creativity can easily dry up, so I ease up off my own back, drop my "gotta finish something" type expectations, and just go for the easy, low hanging fruit - my favourite synths, sounds, and maybe craft a long ambient patch that I can just soak in by holding a note down for a couple of minutes. Whack on lots of reverb and enjoy. ID700 and Aparillo are excellent for this.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers 🙏
Sertraline i take 50m a day and its changed my outlook and family agrees.
Mirtazapine helped me get through a bad time. Don’t discount meds, see a doc. Decide you want to be well and take action, you can do it!
This time of year I start feeling bad, I discovered using light therapy and picked up a floor standing light that I sit in front of every morning and I swear after a few days I start to feel normal again. Non invasive and very effective! SAD is a very common condition.